


this is what it feels like (uncomfortably numb)

by ArmedWithMyComputer



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Underage Drinking, but then not so fun times, fun times, more hurt/comfort to come, yep it got dark quicker than i expected
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-15 19:59:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18079958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArmedWithMyComputer/pseuds/ArmedWithMyComputer
Summary: Diego was the one who stole the first bottle of whiskey from Sir Reginald’s cabinet. Later, he regrets it, but how could they have known? A look at how Klaus finds himself drawn to the uncomfortable numbness of it all. His siblings don't understand but he needs this, really needs this, and little do they know how much worse things can (and will) get..Klaus sat curled up in the corner of his room, hands gripping the sides of his head, feeling anything but alone in the empty room. His fingers pressed into his scalp let off tiny darts of pain that danced up his hands, but did nothing to distract him from the crippling fear that consumed him.He took a breath, his senses so overwhelmed that it felt like he had been set alight, and howled.And that, of all the things that had happened and that were still to come, was the perfect catalyst for Klaus’ downfall.





	1. Chapter 1

Diego was the one who snuck the first bottle of whiskey from Sir Reginald’s cabinet. Later, he regrets it, but how could they have known?

They were just a group of skinny twelve year olds, trained to disarm and kill, and aching for any semblance of normality. 

The seven of them gathered in Diego’s room, sitting cross legged on the floor and leaning against each other on the bed. Luther shushed them as Ben and Klaus laughed quietly to themselves, and looked vaguely uncomfortable as the thought of disobeying their father troubled him. “Technically dad never said not to go near that particular cabinet,” Allison whispered to him, and Five lifted the side of his mouth in what was almost a smile. 

The dark liquid swished in the bottle as Diego shook it around, and they all held their breath as he twisted off the cap and broke the seal. There was silence then, as suddenly he seemed to lose his nerve, and Diego looked up from the open bottle over towards his siblings as if waiting for a cue.

They all just stared at the bottle, their first real defiance of Reginald Hargreeves in motion.

“I’ll go first,” Klaus says suddenly, leaning forward to take the bottle from Diego with slightly shaking hands.

This surprised the rest of his siblings, as the past few weeks had shown them a new side to their brother. Ever since he had started his special training with their father, Klaus had shrunk in on himself, and his normal chatter had decreased in such frequency that they’d been alarmed at first.

He could summon and communicate with spirits and apparitions, they had been told, and this was a special skill that needed to be honed and applied in practice to find the best use for it. Sir Reginald had described it to them as such, and while the clinical cold tone of his voice had sounded no different than usual, they had all heard Klaus crying and whimpering every night since he had returned from his first special training.

Gone seemed to be the Klaus who danced around behind their father’s back sticking out his tongue, and who burst out laughing at the most inappropriate moments just because. This new Klaus didn’t smile as much as the old one, and looked anxious and scared most of the time, constantly glancing around every room with fear as though he didn’t recognise their home anymore.

They had tried to talk to him about it, one on one and then also as a group, but so far he had rebuffed all their attempts.

Special training meant something different to each of them, they’d figured out early on when it had started a few months previous, and it had also become clear that it was not equal for any of them.

Luther’s special training involved strength exercises and challenges, which left his muscles aching and head swimming after each rep of heavy lifting or unusual obstacle. Diego’s was mostly various accuracy and range tasks, where some days he was left throwing a rotating set of knives for hours until his arm broke down in painful muscle spasms and he would be instructed to switch hands and keep going.

For the others, special training was still in development. And Vanya, of course, didn’t have any special training.

Allison’s rumour-ing was a challenge for Sir Reginald to test and cultivate, but she had dutifully made the rounds on her siblings and rumoured them as instructed by and under the supervision of Hargreeves. Five’s training was to jump to different locations under various forms of stress – whether it was micro-electric shocks running through the floor, extremes of temperatures, in severe states of distraction - to see what his limit would be, and thereafter how to overcome it.

Ben and Klaus were the only two who weren’t forthcoming with their special training regimes.

The others would observe them returning to the Academy in various states of shock and grim acceptance, Ben usually covered in blood of some sort, and Klaus with his voice hoarse from use and his body hyper-reactive to any small noises or movements. They wouldn't disclose the details of their special training, so far only shaking their heads and looking haunted when any of their siblings inquired about it.

So when Klaus reached over for the alcohol, excitement and apprehension shining through his eyes, Diego grinned and passed it to him.

Klaus took a deep breath, and then swallowed a large mouthful of the whiskey, eyes screwed shut. The others watched him with curiosity as he gulped it down before immediately starting to cough and splutter.

Ben clapped him on the back as Klaus gasped for breath, droplets of whiskey spilling out onto the bedsheets before Luther grabbed the bottle out of his hand. Five smirked at him, and plucked the bottle from Luther’s tight grip before he could protest, and Klaus gave a shaky thumbs up.

Five swallowed his mouthful slightly more composed than Klaus had, but also erupted into a suppressed cough. Beside him, Vanya bit her lip as the bottle was pushed into her hands, and looked over towards Allison, who nodded encouragingly.

And so the bottle was passed around the group, the alcohol illicting the same reaction in all seven.

By the time it reached Klaus again, he was more enthusiastic in his share, hand pressed to his chest in an attempt to help it go down smoother. Diego laughed at the sight, and Vanya joined in silently as well.

“Well this is going well,” Klaus spluttered out after his third mouthful, and Ben giggled beside him. Luther tried and failed to look stern, his siblings already used to his face being drawn into a serious expression, but even he had to smile when Allison hiccupped unexpectedly.

Diego, Klaus, and Vanya were the only ones who kept drinking after the first few mouthfuls.

The others just watched them, Luther getting up to bring back glasses of water for them to rinse out the unfamiliar taste. He even brought in his record player, and they played a selection of songs, keeping the music just quiet enough not to wake their mother or Pogo in the other wing of the house. Reginald, thankfully, was away on business which is why they had chosen that particular night to make their move on the cabinet.

Klaus’s eyes were bright and cheeks were red as he leaned against Ben, his brother rolling his eyes as Klaus sang along off key to the songs.

The others shared grins as they all realised that Klaus looked the most relaxed and happy that they had seen him in weeks. He stumbled to his feet at one point, dragging Vanya up with him, and danced around the bed with her. His sister’s rhythm and movements suited the beat of the song better and she led the dance as they half staggered around the bed, her face rosy and smiling.

“You guys, I can’t even hear them anymore,” Klaus mumbled at one point, his face lit up in wonder at something, staring off into the corner at something they couldn’t see.

No one heard him properly over the music though, and when Luther leaned to say, “What was that, Klaus?” he just shook his head happily and hiccuped once again, causing Five to snort with laughter at the sound.

They were all, for a few hours, happy.

.

Everyone’s heads were pounding the next morning though.

When the alarms went off, and Mom knocked on each of their doors in turn, Klaus’ groans could be heard throughout the first floor as well as the sound of Diego half falling out of bed with a thump.

But they all dutifully made their way out into the hall, and Five only laughed a little at Vanya’s red eyes and dark circles. Luther, however, laughed a lot at the miserable sight of Klaus dragging his feet into the hall and the way he swayed slightly upon coming to a halt. 

At the breakfast table, Diego and Klaus looked haggard, staring at their cereal bowls like they’d never seen them before. Diego moaned when Five dropped his spoon purposefully to make a loud noise, and Klaus kicked out half-heartedly at him beneath the table. 

Luther and Allison exchanged a glance and chuckled quietly to themselves at the sight of Klaus’ hair sticking up at all angles and Diego’s squinting eyes.

Breakfast was one of the meals where they were free to converse without the presence of their father, but this morning was unusually quiet, with only Allison and Luther engaging in a hushed conversation. Five was reading a book as he usually did, while Vanya and Ben were aiming piece of dry cereal silently at Klaus’ bowl.

And then something changed.

Klaus, whose eyes had been closed as he slumped over his untouched cereal, suddenly sat bolt upright and his gaze shot to the right corner of the room. His sharp inhale caught the attention of his siblings, and as they looked over they could start to see fear clouding his eyes.

“No, no, no, no,” he whimpered quietly, shaking his head vehemently, “No, no, you were being quiet, you were…” 

Diego waved a hand in the air, in front of the space where Klaus’ line of sight was fixed, “Klaus, what are you – Klaus, is there something there?” They all spun around then to look at the space, which contained the innocuous oven, “Is – is there someone there?”

The scraping noise of the chair as Klaus pushed out from the table made Vanya flinch, but no one moved as Klaus stood with only the hint of a sway and twitched painfully, “I’ll be upstairs. Not feeling well,” He said in a cracked voice, and they were all confused at the expression of disappointment and despair on his young face.

He ran out of the kitchen, leaving the siblings looking between the now empty chair and the oven.

After a moment, they heard a door slamming upstairs in the house, and then it was quiet again.

Five disappeared then, and they heard the sound far off of a shout and a crash, before he reappeared in the kitchen beside the fridge, “He’s up in his room,” Five reported in a bored sounding tone, taking a carton of milk out of a fridge, but they could all see his tighter than normal grip on the object, “Threw a lamp at me.”

They all tried to go back to their breakfast after that, unsure of what to do about Klaus, until Pogo interrupted them with several tasks that needed doing for the day before their father returned the next morning.

“Klaus isn’t feeling well,” Luther said half-heartedly when Pogo asked where he was, and Ben nodded in agreement. The day started then, like all days did bar their missing sibling, and they filed out of the kitchen tiredly, though Allison glanced back at the oven one last time.

.

That evening, Klaus re-emerged from his room, looking like his normal pale self. 

Diego’s headache was just starting to fade as he sharpened his knives, and he looked up to see Klaus collapse dramatically on the couch opposite him. Klaus’ usual spot was to lounge on the couch beside the fire in the main reception room, but he changed position to lie on the sofa closest to the cabinet and bar. With his head propped up on a pillow, Klaus sighed heavily and tapped his long fingers against his knee pensively. 

Klaus had an unreadable expression on as he stared into the cabinet that they had broken into the night before.

“You better now?” Diego asked eventually, but only received a non-committal shrug in response. Diego rolled his eyes, and went back to his blades, putting Klaus’ unusual behaviour out of his mind. His brother was quieter than he usually was, but that just meant more peace for the rest of them.

That night, no one noticed, but another bottle of whiskey went missing from the cabinet.

And that was just the beginning of it all.


	2. Chapter 2

Two months had passed since the siblings had gathered together to share a bottle of whiskey, and things were bad.

Klaus was drinking almost every day, and all his siblings knew it. They would see him sneaking out the window to hide empty bottles in the bushes below their rooms, they could see his eyes becoming glazed over on a more regular basis.

The most obvious change with his drinking though was the absence of audible sobs during the night.

So they didn’t say anything as the weeks went on, reluctantly turning a blind eye to the stumbles and hiccups that began during the evenings, due to the drastic reduction in night terrors that their brother was having. Truth be told, they were all sleeping better as a result of Klaus’ night caps.

But something inside them knew that it couldn’t last like this for long, knew that the occasional binges were turning into regular binges. They also knew that he would soon get to the stage where any alcohol he took from the ‘locked’ cabinet would become noticeable.

And then one day it came to a head.

.

“Number Four!” Sir Reginald Hargreeves shouted, walking swiftly over to the siblings and grabbing Klaus by the cuff of his shirt, “Are you… inebriated?”

Diego felt something inside him go cold as the scene seemed to unfold in slow motion before him. He could see out of the corner of his eyes the rest of the sibling’s horrified reactions, as Klaus hiccuped and waved a lazy hand at their father in a non-committal fashion.

They hadn’t noticed his sluggishness that morning, hadn’t paid attention to his more unusual than normal mannerisms as they lined up in the hallway for group training. As a result, Klaus had sauntered down a few noticeable minutes later than his siblings, ruffling Vanya’s hair with a giggle as he passed her standing off to the side, and slotted into his usual place in line with an exaggerated sigh. When Sir Reginald Hargreeves had frowned at him in shock, Klaus had curtsied dramatically.

Their father stared into Klaus’ rolling eyes for a brief second, and then his hand rose quickly and came down in a blow against Klaus’ face. He let the boy fall to the ground with the force of the blow, and looked down at him in disgust. Klaus’, stunned from the hit and also the alcohol blunting his reaction, rolled slightly on the ground and groaned loudly. His mask had fallen off, and he suddenly looked more vulnerable and younger without the black mask obscuring half of his face.

Ben made to move towards his brother, almost an involuntary reaction, but was halted by Sir Reginald’s bark of, “Don’t move.”

And then Klaus started laughing.

Almost instantly, everything got much worse. Diego and Luther exchanged pained looks of despair as Allison and Vanya moved closer to each other in fear of what would happen to their brother. Ben could only hold his breath and silently beg his brother to stop and fall back into line with them.

Their father seemed to only become more infuriated and hauled Klaus back up again, “Number Four, what is the meaning of this? Number Four!” He got no response though, and suddenly he whirled around to face the rest of them, “Number One! Did you know about this?”

Luther, suddenly under the fierce gaze of his father, began to stammer out negatives.

Klaus’ right cheekbone was red and painful looking, already beginning to swell, and he swayed slightly on his feet. Five silently shook his head at Klaus when they made eye contact, hoping that his brother would heed the warning and say something, anything in his own defence. Anything to make the situation better.

Klaus only winked at Five and stuck his tongue out at their father’s back.

“This is unacceptable! You are a disgrace!” The words cut deep to the rest of the siblings, on behalf of their brother, but Klaus looked utterly unaffected. He didn’t even flinch when their father hauled him out of the room by his collar and sent him stumbling towards the stairs, pushing him up towards the bedrooms.

The rest of them followed worriedly, having not been told to stay in their positions.

They watched as Klaus was, literally, thrown into his room and followed by Sir Reginald who made another sound of anger as he emerged with a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand. Diego caught sight of Klaus before the door was slammed, sitting on the ground looking dazed.

Pogo moved in then with a key, and locked the door with a resounding click.

.

Klaus wasn’t let back out of his room until the following evening, and Diego watched silently through a crack in his ajar bedroom door as a pale, shaking Klaus emerged. Despite the weight of the stare their father was giving him, Klaus simply stared back defiantly, though he did divert his eyes after a few moments.

The siblings watched as he was marched down the hallway, and Five told them later that he had been taken out to the car by their father.

When Sir Reginald returned later, Klaus wasn’t with him.

They didn’t see him again until a full day and a half later, when Klaus appeared at breakfast. Pogo supervised his return from the doorway, so none of the siblings jumped up to give Klaus the welcome they wanted to. Instead they simply smiled at him and each other as he poured out his cereal with shaking hands and sat down sullenly.

Allison gasped aloud when she reached out to pass Klaus the milk and saw his hands. The pads of his fingertips had been scraped off, and his nails were torn down and still flecked with dried blood. The blood seemed to be mixed with a grey dust and it combined to coat his hands, standing out against the pale skin. His residual tremor that had been present for the past year seemed worse, and it was evident when he reached out to take the carton from her.

“Klaus, what happened?” Luther asked, with concern in his voice, ignoring the worried look that Vanya shot towards Pogo as he left them alone.

Klaus shrugged without meeting any of their eyes, “Special training.” A silence followed, as Luther and Diego frowned. Their father had always allowed them to visit the infirmary with any injuries after their special training, yet here was Klaus in the clothes they’d last seen in him, scuffed and dirty. After a moment, Klaus noticed their expressions and added, “or punishment. Whatever you want to call it.”

“Are you okay?”

Another shrug from Klaus, but then he waved a skinny arm to gesture at the room around them, “I am, regrettably, sober. So, no.” There was a sadness in his gesture, but as usual, Klaus injected a note of false cheeriness into his tone.

Diego leaned forward, concern in his eyes, “Klaus, this has to stop. We- we covered for you with dad this time, but h-he knows now. You g-gotta stop this now.”

Klaus mimicked his posture, leaning forward across the table from his brother and his expression was deadly serious until he broke out into a wide, caricature of a grin, “Nope.”

He then hunched down over his cereal, and ate it in quick efficient motions as if he was starving. The others just watched in disbelievement as Klaus made his way through five subsequent bowls of cereal without looking up, only grunting in thanks when Vanya quietly retrieved another box of cereal from the cupboard for him.

Despite his lack of engagement with them, it became clear after a few minutes that Klaus was reacting to some kind of stimuli despite his sibling’s silent stares.

Klaus flinched at seeming random moments, his eyes bright and narrowed as he glared into the depths of the cereal. It took Diego a few minutes to realise that Klaus’ eyes were shining with… tears, and that his knuckles were white with the force of his grip on the spoon. He let out huffs of air every so often, his mouth twisting silently as if unconsciously forming words before rejecting them. Despite all of this, Klaus kept his gaze fixed rigidly on his food, and steadfastly didn’t look up once during the course of his eating.

Vanya bit her lip in worry and stared down at the table in front of her, while Diego and Luther exchanged concerned glances. Five simply frowned to himself, and even went as far to put his book down, while Ben’s face was full of pain.

Eventually, because she couldn’t face the silence of them all sitting around with nothing of substance to say, Allison pushed back her chair and busied herself with getting a damp cloth and simple bandages together.

She brought them back to the table, sitting down gently beside her brother, and pressed her lips together when he jerked away from her presence.

Without saying anything, something which was unfamiliar for her, Allison simply gestured towards her offering and it took a long few seconds, but finally Klaus met her eyes and nodded sullenly. She waited for him to stretch out his bony, shaking fingers in front of him and her heart hurt at the condition of them.

Allison cleaned the blood and dirt off his hands efficiently, not commenting on the icy cold temperature. They all knew that Klaus ran a slightly colder baseline temperature than the rest of them, he had done since they were children, but this was a new level. He seemed to relax more as she continued, and by the time she was applying the sticky plasters carefully, he was leaning slightly into Ben’s shoulder on the other side of him, and almost looked calm.

For a moment, it almost looked as though Klaus was about to say something, but then Reginald Hargreeves swept into the room, “Children, you are five minutes late for your morning studies. Anyone who is not in their allotted positions in three minutes will have to carry out an extra hour of physical manoeuvres this evening.” Almost before the words were out of his mouth, Luther was scrambling out of his chair and rushing out the door past their father, his face flushed.

The others followed him quickly, just about pausing to give Klaus one more sympathetic look, before they hurried out into the corridor.

As such, none of them quite saw the look that Klaus directed at Sir Reginald, a glare of such intense hatred and distrust. His father didn’t even seem to notice his expression though, which somehow was worse than had he reacted to it.

“Number Four, change out of those dirty clothes! Immediately!” They all heard the barked order coming from behind them, and winced almost simultaneously. Klaus didn’t say anything, just veered to the right away from them and up the stairs to his room.

The trip upstairs to change his clothes made Klaus an extra seven minutes late to their teachings, and therefore earned him an extra hour of training in their home gym. Luther volunteered to train with him, out of some pity for his brother and also his enjoyment of training, but Klaus just shook his head when he offered.

.

That night, they all heard the cries and whimpers of Klaus after he returned to his room.

The carefully applied bandages that Allison had painstakingly wrapped around his fingertips had fallen off early in the training regimens, and Klaus had gone through the day in a state of numbness, unknowingly leaving tiny streaks of blood throughout the house.

Ben and Diego each separately stuck their heads out into the corridor in anticipation, ready to creep down to Klaus’ room and comfort their brother – but each time they opened their doors, they could see the dark outline of their father standing at the end of the hallway, silhouetted against the dim light coming. They both retreated back into their rooms, hating themselves for the feeling of fear and helplessness that the figure invoked him them.

Five didn’t have the heart to jump into his brother’s room. He was afraid of what he would find if he did, so instead he remained sitting bolt upright in his bed listening to the outpouring of heartache and forced himself to feel it all. Allison, Luther, and Vanya felt a deep kind of guilt and shame as they each did their best to block out the high pitched keening noises and sobs that echoed through the house.

Klaus sat curled up in the corner of his room, hands gripping the sides of his head, feeling anything but alone in the empty room. His fingers pressed into his scalp let off tiny darts of pain that danced up his hands, but did nothing to distract him from the crippling fear that consumed him.

He took a breath, his senses so overwhelmed that it felt like he had been set alight, and howled.

And that, of all the things that had happened and that were to come, was the perfect catalyst for Klaus’ downfall.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh this got dark quickly. Thanks for all your comments and kudos over the past few days, it really spurred me on to get this chapter out quickly. I also changed the summary slightly as well, in case anyone noticed it.
> 
> And yes to the one commenter who picked up that the title is a combination of bits from the Panic at the Disco song, 'One of the Drunks.'
> 
> Would love to hear your comments and thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> My second work in the Umbrella Academy tag! I am planning for more of this fic, and for how far Klaus will take it all, so let me know if you want to see more


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